Number 2: Deptford (including economy p&p to Australia)

The second Unchartered Streets book takes you on a seven-mile tour of Deptford, home of Henry VIII’s royal dockyard, London’s oldest railway station and Mark Perry’s Alternative TV. Starting at the place where primitive south-east Londoners first forded the River Ravensbourne and discovered Kent, you’ll pass some ancient cottages built from ancient offcuts from the shipyard, pose with the Deptford anchor – a much-loved, historic and iconic symbol of Deptford ever since it was moved there from Chatham in 1988 – and stand on what could, with a bit of imagination, be the stage of the Roman theatre at Petra and what is, even with none, still somewhere to wait for the post office to open. You’ll find out why Henry VII wanted to dismember a Cornish blacksmith and see where Deptford people once stored their own dismembered bodies to reassemble at Doomsday; and also the house where Admiral Nelson did some less than admirable things with Lady Hamilton, possibly, and some skulls that didn’t get pirates thinking “ahhrrr” but are simply memento mori – reminders that, in the midst of life, we are in Deptford. You’ll get to stand reasonably close not just to the spot where Elizabethan playwright Christopher Marlowe is buried, but also to the spot where an argument over his refusal to pay for some dough balls he claimed he’d not had led to him needing to be buried in the first place. There’s also some more general advice on what to do with dead bodies should you have one you need to get rid of from filmmaker David Cronenberg, of all people, and instructions (not from David Cronenberg) on how to make electricity if you have lots of coal to spare and an old dockyard; and sulphuric acid if you have five years to spare and an egg. Oh, and pies. How to make pies. No egg required. You’ll discover what the London and Greenwich Railway did with 878 semicircular brick-lined segments of air (workshops, mostly) and what they didn’t (houses), and how they got their enterprise very literally off the ground. Less cheerfully, you’ll not only learn what happened to the Pepys Estate and Tidemill School and how 300 police officers, bailiffs and security guards were used to evict four people from a garden, but also see Boris Johnson being pleasured by Peppa Pig; his preference for thinking about Joanna Lumley rather than workable solutions for redeveloping Convoys Wharf is also noted. On a musical tip, you’ll see where Spike Milligan won a crooning contest, where Sniffin’ Glue was founded, and where Dire Straits played their first gig – and also find out how one of their albums got its name (Love Over Gold, not Dire Straits’ Greatest Hits). And on an asparagus tip you’ll discover why John Evelyn was so proud of his and once wrote a book about salad. You’ll be shocked at the appalling things Peter the Great got up to when he came to stay in 1698, and even more so at the appalling things the people of Deptford got up to with a whale in 1842. You’ll find out how Deptford nearly became south-east London’s answer to Liverpool and where Deptford people exchanged their tea, though not what for, and why Deptford’s theatre was strangely lop-sided. Finally, if Edwin Starr is reading this, there’s some info on what war is good for and how Deptford made the most of it, as I’m sure the people of St John’s appreciate.