Smoke 7

Just how great was great Uncle Bulgaria? – we expose furry Wimbledon patriarch’s feet of clay. Cuckolding the capital – a hopeless trollop is serially unfaithful to the city she loves (suspicion falls on Ipswich). Top hat & bunny tails – our lovely assistant reveals a world of illusion in Charing Cross station’s false bottom. “Jerk chicken in a bruised yam coulis with a concatenation of peas” – if Brixton is the new Islington, do we still need the Victoria Line? Dumped in the aisle – a bus driver’s love goes unrequited, every 6-8 minutes during peak hours. Margaret Thatcher consumed by fire in mad pagan frenzy in Hackney – local residents act shocked. London Zoo’s great apes – “Not so fantastic after all,” says tearful scientist. Snooker – Olympic sport, or simply a game for men with coloured balls? Pantomime cats at Warren Street – Ackroyd and Sinclair in disguise, or just a psychological by-product of long delays on Charing Cross branch? Wandsworth Plain – is Europe’s last wilderness under threat from Putney mums on school run? Cupid strikes in Golders Green due to US policy in South East Asia – why Vietnam wasn’t all bad news. A heavenly hostess – lovelorn loser is sent off his trolley. Beer, fags, blood, police tape – just what does make a good local? Big cat terror strikes Sydenham – residents now “living in fear” of further excitement. Great West Road – “Actually pretty rubbish past Brentford,” RAC spokesman claims.