“… increasing to 5% in the third year” – in light of credit crunch, Bells of Shoreditch suggest revised repayment deferment plan to Bells of Old Bailey. Runes help you breathe more easily – ancient text reveals secret recipe for decongestant to Bloomsbury archaeologist. “So, it looked like a bomb had hit it because…” – slow-witted ARP warden admits shock on discovering true nature of Blitz. “24 minutes? From Tulse Hill???” – inexplicable re-routing of No. 2 via Half Moon Lane prompts exasperated commuters at Brixton bus stop to condemn choice of Gene Pitney as new TfL boss. Hammersmith and Sooty – enigmatic yellow bear savagely beaten after anonymous visits to West London culminate in whispered offer to improve lives of poor with oofle dust. Double Herts bypass – how the A41 and M1 helped reduce traffic in Watford town centre. “I say I say I say, my wife’s gone to Sidcup.” “D’you make her?” “No, she’s having an affair with a former neighbour.” – why life in South East London is no laughing matter. Bike locks – ingenious plan to help cyclists up Highgate Hill defeated by intrinsically non-fluid nature of cold tarmac, admits wistful scientist. Zombie & Son – news that undead might be breeding on Heath brings fear and frisson of mild sexual excitement to NW3. Supermarket Sweep – oval-headed dog savagely beaten after “interminable squeaking” about how he was “the real star” causes colleagues on late shift at Hackney Somerfield to snap. Watteau, Jeeves! – Bertie Wooster reminds his manservant who his favourite rococo painter is. You don’t have to be mad to work here – Crouch End secure unit vehemently denies that zealous use of positive discrimination in staff recruitment is making them look daft. And did those feet in ancient time walk upon England’s mountains green? – if you know the answer, enter our simple William Blake quiz and win a stuffed tyger.