“I just don’t know who you are any more!” – impressionist’s wife despairs as husband’s increasing awareness of waning talent leads to affair. Haydn Chic – why more and more young Londoners are dressing like 18th-century Austrian composers. “I’m Bayleaf, I’m the gardener: who the f**k are you?” – tempers rise as Newham Council employs foul-mouthed elderly herb in park regeneration scheme. “Miss Scarlet! In the bathroom! With the copper piping!” – amateur sleuth provides photographic proof that notorious femme fatale is taking part-time plumbing work to pay for nose-job. The Black Prince of Bel Air – new Will Smith vehicle slammed as “historically incoherent and not particularly funny” by disgruntled medievalist. “To be honest, it was a bit of a farce” – how opening night of Loot was litany of comic mishaps. “No one likes them, yet they remain curiously indifferent” – Victorian time traveller returning from future with tales of degenerate race of ape-like subhumans stuns sceptical Royal Society by producing 2009 Millwall programme. Nuns with guns – why Carmelites and Armalites just don’t mix. Look who’s stalking – former bookseller finds inner monologue being narrated by Bruce Willis as she pursues strange men around Bloomsbury. Red and yellow and pink and green – how 10 years of urban sensory overload led exiled bumpkin to massively devalue Clapton flat with “vibrant” new colour scheme for hallway. Dolce et Gabbana est, pro patria mori – new “national dress” collection is to die for, says London Fashion Week maven. “My pain walks down a one-way street” – Robbie Williams’ Angels causes depressed alcoholic to confuse ambulatory and vehicular metaphors with tragic consequences. A rose by any other name would be called something else – excessive drug use exposes fundamental lack of poetry in Hackney squat scene. Ghostwriters in the sky – City Airport on alert after authors clash mid-air over contract for new Katie Price novel.