“Also, the whole tableau makes absolutely no sense at all, as Bolan was a herbivore” – fury erupts at National History Museum after installation of 20-foot animatronic T. Rex in dinosaur hall reveals possible crossed wires. Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar – six years of Freudian analysis concludes that Dulwich woman’s fear of chimneys signifies deep-seated fear of chimneys. Cornish pastiche – Greggs denies that meat and potato savoury isn’t real thing. “Indeed, he was often quite phlegmatic” – discovery of new Wordsworth sonnet Aye, You’re All Right, Pet, You Are shows he wasn’t always a Romantic poet, say British Library experts. But… he was like a big brother! – news that John Noakes was replaced by lookalike after fall from Nelson’s Column devastates Catford 40‑something. Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right and – over there, is that a penguin? – Quentin Tarantino recalls the year he ran the London Marathon. My people were fair and wore stars in their hair – Boris Johnson admits he finds ordinary Londoners hard to fathom. “It’s like discovering Mogwai are working with Kylie” – upset fan mourns replacement of Central Line’s former grandiose post‑rock soundscapes with generic tunnel noise. Gypsies, tramps and thieves – Tory council’s new social exclusion order falls foul of Human Rights Act and upsets Cher. Is the bus driver on drugs? – TfL reveals real reason for decrease in journey times through Camberwell and also in number of cyclists. “… and then we planted some hegemonies, but they just took over the whole garden” – Chelsea Flower Show panel floored by surreal lady in smock from Penge. I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman – Smithfield butcher responds warily to enquiry about contents of freezer. The past is a foreign country – UCL professor explains why old people feel so at home in Belgium. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times – Sidney Carton reflects that, when you average it out, the times were, on the whole, really pretty run-of-the-mill.